Roger's Rating:

I have the utmost respect for John Stagliano and Evil Angel. The team of directors under the Evil Empire flag is as good, if not better than any such roster in all of porn. That's why I was a little surprised when he hired Thomas Zupko and Apocalypse Productions before they had even made a movie. With all of the noise AP made and with Stagliano taking Zupko into the Empire, one would think that this guy must really have some serious game. Couple all of the hype with a glowing, almost drooling praise from Adam Film World on the box and Anal Ball should really be a shocking, sexy combination of raunch, blasphemy and hot sticky sex. Is it? I guess we'll just have to find out now won't we?

Before we even begin, we get a little scrolling text Obscenity Warning. See, revolutionary already. While I'm expecting the porn version of 'A Long, long time ago, in a galaxy far away' we get a long, rambling bit of text that takes the so very original position that political and religious leaders are all thieving child molesters who should just 'fuck off.' (Do yourself a favor, just read it, don't try and decipher the echoing voice over.) We begin our movie with Montana Gunn in a black wig, cursing a blue streak, squatting over a glass, (held by Bill Margold) and pissing into said glass. Into this mix comes Brian Surewood in another wig. He shoves Margold aside and stuffs his cock into Montana's mouth along with some marshmallows and an apple. When that ends, she gives a pretty enthusiastic blowjob, marred only by some slightly overbearing background music and the ill timed, letterboxing of the scene. Shoving the apple back in her mouth, Brian sticks Montana's head into the oven and starts shoving ice cubes up her ass. The cubes are then expelled from her ass in a long, looped segment that can only be described as freak show porn. At best, I find freak show porn lacking any erotic value, and this is not freak shot porn at its best, so you do the math. There is a hard ass fuck with duct tape on Montana's butt and bananas shoved into her anus. You know, I didn't dig the food expelled from the ass when Mila did it, so what do you think I think of this shit? By the time the facials roll around, all I can do is wonder who would waste their time and video tape shooting a scene that is so completely void of anything worth even taking your dick out for.

That said, I do like that the credits come after this scene. It's a nice touch, though the fuck off message to Rob Black sort of tells you where Zupko's head is at. Now that the movie has begun, we see just how weird this shit gets. The AP trio pulls up in front of a house and what a trio they are. A guy in a chicken suit, a long haired Uncle Sam dude and some guy named Jay Stone in a porno pope get up. (Didn't Greg Dark sort of kill off the whole dudes in funny costumes genre?) We get a montage of images, a dude puking in a toilet, some fat guy taking a hit and Stone as the porn profit. Dude, what the fuck is with the 'stupid nun cunt' bullshit? Is that supposed to be fucking fresh? Again, the boy genius is taking themes beaten to death by other, more skilled directors (Yes, including Black) and re-hashes them in a way that is childish, boorish and just fucking stupid. Stone is replaced by Tyce Bune who comes in to finish what freak boy started. If watching Caroline fuck in full nun garb gets you off, then I suppose this scene has some redeeming qualities. Of course, just about the time the sex gets good, Zupko decides it's time for stupid editing tricks. Nothing like killing the first good moments in your film with freaky looking visuals.

Elle DeVine's appearance in the movie should raise the sexual heat a bit. She comes in and starts worshipping at the alter of the dildo, then begins using this big monster on herself. This would really be nice if it weren't for the intrusive editing style again. Into the scene comes Surewood who starts working over the already overheated brunette. Things look good until she goes for his cock, then we go strobe again. Dammit Zupko, if you hate Black so much, why do you do the same bad things he does to fuck up his sex scenes? (Look around you Tommy Z, does Stagliano distort his most erotic images? Does Leslie? Does Silvera? Learn from the hall of famers on your own team meat.) Even when the strobe leaves, we get this odd sort of letterboxing with the top and bottom of the image all fucked up. Elle is the first girl in this movie to have any sort of sex appeal and we can't see her. He ends up pounding Elle's ass pretty hard, but I'm willing to bet that the headache caused by the editing and music is far more painful than even the most severe colon pounding. Hell, he even manages to shoot the facial from the worst possible angle. How can someone fuck up a scene with such a hot woman?

Amia Amore goes next and she is paired with a guy who has about as much charisma as Steve Hatcher on a bad hair day. There is some long guitar solo musical number over the scene, but I don't think even good sound could have helped this scene. Does Amia always fuck like she's just going through the motions? I seem to remember her being better than this. Funny how Tommy Z didn't fuck this rather routine scene with bad editing, but ruined his good one with it.

McKayla Shore is next in a scene that starts out strange, but then falls into a more normal rhythm If you can ignore or turn down the industrial noise metal in the background, this is the best, unencumbered sex so far in the film. You know, seeing this scene makes me wonder what TZ was thinking through the rest of the movie. McKayla does her best to fuck with energy and heat. Nice open mouthed facial for those of you who have been able to stomach things this far.

Tyce is back, still playing the demented monk. This time he is baptizing Ericka Lockett in a kiddie pool with baby oil. You know, I realize that I don't share the same anti-Catholic backlash as the film makers, but what the fuck is this? Are the makers of this film trying to get some subtle message across to us? Well, I got it in the first ten seconds. , why let it pollute the porn? Ericka is a porn star for guys who like big tits. She's certainly not that pretty and her wig is just hideous, but if you like big, heavy hooters, then enjoy. At least those heavy bags get a good tit fucking before Tyce moves on to the main event. By this time, I am so totally turned off, you would have a better chance of getting to me jerk off watching an insurance seminar. It takes a lot to get me to this point, but even the anal and facial can't pull this from the bottom of the barrel.

Now that we have come the end of this movie, I am going to start out with some praise. Zupko did manage to shock and amaze me. I am shocked that a smart business man and brilliant porn film maker like John Stagliano would back this total piece of shit and amazed that Zupko is working while guys like David Stanley and Greg Steel aren't. I guess Apocalypse is the right name for the production company because if this is the direction porn is going, then it's all over. When there is nothing remotely strokeable about an entire movie, then I think it's safe to say it's a complete and utter waste. Now, some of you are probably already wondering if I have some personal axe to grind with Tommy Z. I don't, or didn't. I don't know him, he may be a great guy, but at this moment, I'm plenty pissed at him. I just spend two hours of my life watching this pile of crap and that's two hours I can't get back. Other than that, it's nothing personal. (Though I'm sure I won't be invited to ever review another Apocalypse movie and I can damn sure guarantee I won't waste money buying any after this one.) Perhaps I should be more specific in my criticism. The only really good scene in the entire movie is the Elle DeVine romp and that is totally destroyed by bad editing tricks. (See my hyper critical review of Acid Sex) Other scenes in this movie are marred by stupid side show tricks such as Montana's anally prepared fruit salad and Bill Margold as the piss happy jester. Still others are marred by the director's desire to show his deeply rooted, anti-religious slant. (OK, so you were buggered as a small boy, we fucking get it.) I guess raping nuns on film is easier than dealing with ones own inner feeling of fear and vulnerability. Furthering the problems here, is a generally unappealing cast. I rather like Amia Amore and Elle, but Montana, Ericka, Caroline and the rest are moderately appealing on their best days. To make this even worse, the camera work is passable at best and what 'style' there is, has been ripped off from more talented directors. Is there anything here we haven't seen from Greg Dark, Rob Black, Max Hardcore, Joey Silvera, Seymore Butts and the lot? In fact, despite his Anti-Black rants, Tommy Z seems to want nothing more than to be Rob Black. His detractors have often said that Rob Black is just doing a poor imitation of Greg Dark. If that is true, then Thomas Zupko is just a poor imitation of Rob Black on his worst day. Finally, in addition to being poorly edited, badly cast, and filled with unfunny fodder, (Does anyone really think fat guys smoking pot or dudes jerking off on the crapper is funny?) kindergarten rants on politics and the aforementioned religious angst, this film is about as anti-sex as any I have ever seen. Ultra feminists blast porn as being hateful and anti-woman and if all they had to prove their case was this film, they would be right. Correct me if I'm wrong and forgive me for being such a conservative, but isn't porn supposed to make me want to beat off, not beat my wife?

Copyright © Roger T. Pipe

Posted By Roger, www.excaliburfilms.com | 10/5/06 1:58 PM